Not Your Daughter's Barbie

Lately, the folks behind Barbie have been going hog wild trying to find ways to keep the disproportionate plastic icon modern and relevant. Exhibit A: the new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit doll. She made her debut posing in the mag's 2014 Swimsuit Issue and quickly flew off the shelves of Target...

Swimsuit Babs comes complete with high heels (perfect for beach volleyball!) and a spray tan. Lordy, I can't wait for my 8 year old to copy this look in our backyard. While I'm at it, I might as well let her get the hair extensions. She's gotta start sometime, right?

Then there are the extreme fashion Barbies, who rock Red Carpet looks and haute couture dresses...

This beauty is sporting a Zuhair Murad creation, while others wear Oscar de la Renta, Versace, and even Christian Louboutin. Just what I need! A doll who dresses better than I do. And with her retail price of $75 (gown included, thank god), even this mini couture is out of my league.

Admittedly, that last batch of dolls is aimed at the "serious collector", but don't worry, there's plenty of creativity happening in the made-to play-with arena too. There's the Barbie Digital Dress Doll, which comes with a built-in touch screen, so your daughter can still sneak in technology, even after you've told her to go play with her dolls instead. There's also Barbie's new "I Can Be" series, which gives Babs fun careers like Doctor or Zookeeper, obvy. But for little girls who really want to aim high, there's...

Yup, Barbie Magician. Because what little girl doesn't want to pull a rabbit out of her ass?

Perhaps most WTF is the new Barbie Potty Training Taffy...

She comes with a pet pooch, Taffy, a pooper scooper, and ohmygawd, tiny dog poop–which I think might be a choking hazard. If you need safer accessories, just cut up some tootsie rolls for hours of shit-kickin' fun. Or as the box copy could read, 'Shit-Pickin' Fun!

Now, this here Barbie is two tons of fun....

Look kids! Teen Pregnancy Barbie! If it's a boy, she's naming him Bieber. If it's a girl, she's calling her Pink. She just hopes she doesn't go until labor 'til after Prom.

Okay okay, that last one's a fake. For now. But who knows? With all the madness those doll designers at Mattel have been cranking out, she might just be coming soon. Find her in the Barbie aisle, between Teen S.T.D. Barbie and Grown Woman Midlife Crisis Midge.

What do YOU think is the worst idea for a Barbie ever? Tell me in the comments...  

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  1. Ok, the teen pregnancy Barbie is horrific, BUT I may just need Pooper Scooper Barbie as a prop to show the kids how it's done.

    1. Adrianna, you are sooo on to something. How to Make Your Bed Barbie, Lawn Mowing Barbie, and of course, Cleaning Toilets love.

  2. Drug Mule Barbie, which can then lead to Reformed Drug Mule Barbie Turned Yuppie ala Orange is the New Black.

    1. Yes, I love it. I can just picture Babs rocking that orange jumpsuit. And think of the possibilities to extend the franchise, from King Pin Ken to junkie Midge. And don't forget Prison Warden Barbie–perfect for the new "I Can Be" collection.


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