The threat down the hall

Anyone who’s met me knows I’m all about supporting women. My first novel’s got a pink cover, for clit’s sake, and its title even features the word girl. Few things give me greater joy than being there for my gal pals and cheering on the sisterhood. I rise, you rise, rising boats and all that shemale shish-kumbaya.

But lately, I’ve been dealing with some stiff sister competition from a place I never expected. And my first instinct is to keep this chick down and put her back in her place.

The Fun Mom

Around here, Mom gets a bum rap. Dad is the fun one, doing all the tickling and wrestling and ball-throwing in the house. I’m that shadow in the background sweeping up the shards of the vase they just knocked over.

I even call my husband ‘Daddy Funtime,’ sneering as I say this to fully articulate that this is meant to be a negative connotation. 

Going Back to College

What I can actually remember of my college partying days was pretty awesome. So when my 19-year-old niece invited me to accompany her mother, a mutual friend and her teen daughter to her sorority’s Mom’s Weekend at Indiana University, I was all like, Yaaasss! (Because that's what the sorority girls say now, don’t they? Pretty sure I read that on the Chapsnat.)

The Writing On My Walls

It’s not much of a reach to say I am big fan of manifestos and slogans. After all, I’ve made a career out of creating them. But recently I was reminded of my obsession with the written word when a guest remarked that she was getting a kick out of reading the signs I had all over my house.

“Oh, are you talking about this one?” I asked, showing her the newly framed quote I’d just hung in my first floor "Zen" bathroom: Happiness is a Decision.

“No…” she laughed. “The sign hanging by your bar. Take me Drunk. I’m Home.”

Ducking the Mamarazzi

Whenever an old high school chum sends me a friend request, I run to her Facebook page to see what she looks like now, and (fine, I can admit this), how I look in comparison. Has she also traded in her Sun-In for Gray Away? Would I still recognize her without her Champion sweatshirt and spiral perm held up by eight cans of Aqua Net?

Often, these women will have a snapshot of their kids as their profile picture, and they are noticeably absent from all their online albums too. Where have all my old friends gone since becoming moms? Our biggest complaint is that we feel invisible, yet we’re the ones who have taken ourselves out of the picture.

What Moms Want More Than Sex

"Hot sex is good. Hot coffee is even better."

I used to lust over hard pecs and slow kisses. Three kids and two thousand sleepless nights later, here are a few of the things I’ve found myself fantasizing about: 

1.  Scotch tape

Just one roll that is mine all mine, that is always in the exact place I left it, instead of under a kid’s bed or inexplicably, buried halfway down the Lego bin. And if am actually able to find the edge where the tape begins, I might just orgasm on the spot.

Why I Want A Wife

My son’s friend has two moms. They share the house chores and also share a business, so over the years have taken turns being the working mom or the one who stays at home. To me, their setup sounded better than being married to a doctor who does Botox. And it made me insanely jealous.

The only thing better than having one mom, I realized, was having two. Here I’d been raised up singing, “Someday my prince will come,” when really I should have been wishing for a wife. If only that was the way my heart swung, so many hiccups could have been avoided. My marriage is a case of opposites attract, but what I need now is someone else with a skillset of…well….me.

Imagine having someone who knows where you left your sunglasses, what you really want for your birthday (and it’s not another gift card), how to keep their mouth shut when you’re watching Younger. A wife would keep the pinot coming and only ask questions during commercials.

Summer Reads to Keep Your Kids Unstupid

With school out for the summer, it's a time for lazy days and even lazier brains. The minute my kids dumped the contents of their backpacks into the trash bin, I could feel the intelligence dripping out of them like juice down a popsicle stick. 

The bad news? They crave screen time in copious quantities, the dumber the app or video, the better. The good news—they'll do whatever it takes to earn this screen time, even if it means cracking open a book. And I am all about the art of the deal.  Especially if it means we can fill in a few lines on their summer reading packets. After all, reading is the perfect cure for the summer slide. 

Below, I am thrilled to feature a guest post from one of my readers on books to keep your kids' brains from melting into mush by Labor Day. Thanks, Cassie, for giving my brain a break!

The Fun Mom

THIS PIECE ORIGINALLY RAN LAST JUNE. NOW THAT SUMMER BREAK IS UPON US, I'M RUNNING IT AGAIN SINCE WE CAN ALL USE A REMINDER TO LIGHTEN UP AND ENJOY THE RIDE.

Around here, Mom gets a bum rap. Dad is the fun one, doing all the tickling and wrestling and ball-throwing in the house. I’m that shadow in the background sweeping up the shards of the vase they just knocked over.

I even call my husband ‘Daddy Funtime,’ sneering as I say this to fully articulate that this is meant to be a negative connotation. 

Your Kid Sucks. So Shut Up.

There is some kind of Newtonian law that the more a kid sucks at a sport, the more vocal his parents are on the sidelines. Often, this coincides with Galileo’s hypothesis that these are precisely the same parents who are “experts” at the game being conducted, though they have never coached and never played a sport in their life. A handful never even played on the chess team. 


My high school physics is fuzzy, but I am pretty sure they call this the law of inertia.

REALLY Creative Ways to Show Mom Love

Because I am such a big deal (insert laughing noises here) the folks at FTD sent me a list of creative ways to show mom gratitude on Mother's Day, thinking I may want to share it with you, my lovely readers. 

And, really, it was so sweet of them, because now I get to have the day off swigging mimosas, instead of racking my brain wondering what to write about. 

You can see FTD's full list of mom thank you ideas here, but I'm highlighting a few of my faves below with my own creative improvements, on the outside chance my husband may read this or that you want to print it out and post it on your fridge. 

Or better yet, stick it on your children's iPads. No chance they will miss it there.

The Art of I Don't Care

Yesterday I was sitting in the dentist chair, mouth splayed open like a crime scene, with that spit-slurping wand sucking up all my dignity as the overzealous hygienist told me I needed to floss better. And as she showed me exactly how to jam that unholy wax string up and around my hemorrhaging gums, I nodded at her as if to say, “Why yes, absolutely, I’ll do that, of course!”

But between you and me, that is never going to happen, and you wanna know why?

Find It In You

I have this quote hanging in my bedroom, beneath a ledge I call my dream shelf:

“Don’t wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get, you’ve got to make yourself.”

I can’t remember where I first saw it. Could have been a fortune cookie. Or a Facebook post. More likely, it was in a dentist office copy of O, the Oprah Magazine, tucked between pages touting Nate Berkus pillows and kale salad recipes.