Put Up Your Daisy Dukes

These jorts have about as much fabric as a handkerchief.

One of the big stories going around the net right now involves an 11th grade girl from Canada who was sent home for wearing short shorts and went on to protest the school's dress code, causing one heck of a stir.

Two vice principals made high school junior Lindsey Stocker stand up in front her whole class and subjected her to the oh so scientific finger-length test. Those of you with daughters have heard of this, right? Girls must stand with their arms down at their sides, and if their fingertips hang past the hemline of their shorts or skirt, then it's too short to be worn to school.

Feeling humiliated and sexually objectified by the way she was treated, Lindsey plastered the school with copies of this poster:

She was rewarded for her moxie and female advocacy by being suspended from school. So much for free speech and teachable moments.

This is her in the shorts she was wearing that day.

For the record, I don't even really think they're that short. I guess that's because I've seen shorter.

Thing is, I remember being her age and wearing some pretty tight, short stuff to class. Lordy, I even wore half-shirts every day for an entire school year (oh, how i miss those 16-year old abs). That was until the principal banned girls from showing their midriffs.

Looking back now, I realize how questionable some of my outfit choices were then, and am even amazed how much freedom my mom gave me to make those choices. With my own daughter, I just want to be like, "No. Freakin'. Way. Go put some clothes on."

But now that I'm a mother, I know how hard it is to prevent your child from doing what all the kids are doing, especially without having her or him hate your guts. Or worse. Having them get depressed because they feel like they don't fit in.

Can't always blame a Mom for allowing her daughter to dress like her friends.

Nor can we really blame dress codes for sexualizing our little girls.

But ya wanna know who we can blame? How about all those insane jerkwits who design girls clothes with questionable hemlines in the first place? There's a spot in hell for them right next to the wackjob who invented sneakers with wedge heels.

Check out these daisy dukes from Aeropostale that are all the rage with teen girls:

That there shortie has a 2.5" inseam. That means it ends two and a half inches below her vagina. Put your hand down there now and measure 2.5 inches beneath your crotch. Our little ladies would be more covered up wearing a man's handkerchief.

But as dangerous as those little denim nothings are, the style I take the most issue with is the so-called "track short," and it's worst purveyor, the store Justice. This mall chain of child porn chic carries racks and racks of these evil crotch covers in sizes to (barely) fit girls as young as six, in every color imaginable, and every single one of my daughter's friends seems to own a pair that they insist on wearing day in and day out, even though not one of them is on the track team. 

Girls, throw these on with wedge sneakers for the latest in child porn chic!

Thanks to Justice's greedy, thought deprived clothes makers, I'm in constant battle with my daughter over her desire to own a pair, and my desire for her not to bare more leg than a trussed up Thanksgiving turkey. She is, after all, only 8.

Remember when former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg set out to ban everything from supersize sodas to the overuse of sodium in processed foods, claiming that was all for the greater good? Well, I'm calling for a ban on ridiculously short shorts being made and marketed to young girls. That would benefit parents, daughters, schools and society at large. We wouldn't have to worry about enforcing dress codes and humiliating students, because the offending items simply would not exist.

Until some politician or feminist leader is smart enough to get on board with my ban (Hilary? Condi? Sherly Sandberg?) I guess I'm stuck protesting alone. So, in honor of Linsdey Stocker, I thought I'd make my up own poster to get the word out:

Feel free to print up your own copy and plaster it all over your local mall. You're welcome.

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  1. This American Life ran a great essay a while back by a stay-at-home dad of baby twins. Pretty much the whole point was that the word "twins" does not remotely do justice to the experience of having them, and instead they should be called Two Fucking Babies At One Time. Similarly, I would be on board with calling shorts with a 2.5-inch inseam Shorts That Stop 2.5 Inches Below Your Vagina. Let's make this happen. :)

  2. You're on to something Carolyn. And we should call wedge-heeled sneakers Shoes for Athletic Strippers in Training.

  3. Ahh Justice. I get a headache when I get near that store. Short shorts, padded bikinis in bright pink leopard print with fringe on the top for the 8 yr old budding stripper and tank tops meant for Pam Anderson. And let's not forget the garishly colored leggings and the rows of candy before you pay. I hate that store.


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